The Black Sheep

Salam.



Morning. Indeed. Early morning. Wake up so early? No. More to unable to sleep. Lots of things jumping inside. My head about to explode. And I couldnt keep to be freaking cool. I am freaked out, scared and hopeless. I hate it.



Again, semuanya harus bermula di tempat kerja. Kerana hidup saya adalah kerja. Atau, kerja saya adalah hidup. Whatever happen in office will be brought home. But, none from home brought to office. Small matter that happen kat office, dah cukup mengganggu hidup saya. Never put too much hope in work, but when I did, do put hope in job, it just shattered. I didnt why it does bother, but I couldnt sleep because of that. And still crying like hell. Till now.



Feels like a black sheep, like other sheep. But the color, just black. Not like others. I am trying to fit myself in. But everytime I felt like fitted in, the black sheep appear. Not (really) from the other sheep, but from the 'sheep manager'. When I edged myself out from the rest of the sheep, they try to fit me in. Try to make me feels like home. It does a home for the rest of sheep, but not the BLACK sheep. Me.



Should I always be reminded that I am the black sheep?
Or should I knew it myself, & and keep myself reminded by me...
not others

The black sheep alone

This is white sheep. That needs frend.

Poor you the black sheep.

Antara cita & angan

Salam.


Feb 24. Kelegaan untuk saya. It's the pay day. And off day as well. No plan for anything. No plan for shopping. Lots of things to consider before go for shopping. The upcoming roadtax and car insurance renewal. Traffic summons. Vacations. Holidays. Needs and desired. Desired and needs.


Which come first, desire @ need? For example, A need to buy new handphone will drive desire to buy a new iphone 4s. Desire to going for vacation will drive a need to buy a DSLR camera. A need to find new job, cause a desire to take a lot of mc now. Kahakah..funny coz i dont desire to take mc chit. It just no mood at all to work. No desire to work.


But in my very full mood the update the wishlist of 2012. Still not too late to plan. It is 10 months ahead to finish this year. Lots of things can be 'plan'. But never achive. A reason to live life next year. >> to fulfill the previous year wishes. (which what i did this year)

The 'missed' team mates

Yang best dan takbest

Salam.


Tak mampu untuk tidur walau jam dah pukul 2am. Penat seharian meronda. Mata pulak tak mau lelap. Terpaksa batalkan niat nak jogging esok. Hahah.


11Feb.
Sambutan family day kat ofis saya. Ofis besar. Maknanya semua department terlibat. More than 5 thousand people I guess. As per usual, held in our headquarters. Start from 5pm to 10pm.


Opening.
Datang seawal 5.30pm. With my fren. Take goodie bags. Include an umbrella (they expect the day to rain) and thumb drive (which cover by our maskot). Ok. So so la. Sebab tahun lepas dapat jacket. Which is for sure cost more than what I received this year.


Makanan.
Wide variety of food. But less than last year. They sere PizzaHut, KFC, roast lamb (super duper sedap with black pepper sauce & mashpotato), steamboat (yang tak pernah cukup), fruits (durians, duku, nangka & mangoesteen-apakah dlm bhs melayu, lupa suda). Nasi dan segala macam kuih bukan ibunda saya pun ada. Tapi....Char kuey teow yakde. Sedey. Honey chicken wing pun takde. Double sedey. ABC, laycheekang, minuman ringan ada jugak. Tapi tak banyak macam tahun lepas.


Cuaca.
Macam tahun lepas. Cuma tahun lepas dah siap makan baru hujan. So, terus blah lepas dah kenyang. Tahun ni tengah makan roast lamb, dan2 tu jugak nak hujan. Kembang la nasi tomato kena air hujan. Pembaziran di situ.

Game & persembahan.
Game semua susah2. Game macam kat funfair tapi satu pun tak boleh nak menang. Main 3 jenis je pastu give up. Baik buat food hunting. Persembahan pun sama. We all tak ambik kisah dengan hiburan nih. Niat suci nak cari jodoh (tak kesampaian).

Meniti kedewasaan

Salam.



2012. 34 days has passed by. In realm of achieving my aims. Really not much to achieve, but a lot to learn through out this. Einstein said- anyone who never failed, is someone who never learn. I failed most of the time, but how much did I learn? Really learn. I guess none. I'm being too childish I guess.



I want to be grown up. To be an adult. Act like an adult. Think like an adult. React like an adult. I might be aged (26 is not young anymore, but young adult I guess) but how be a real adult, in real life (like a real world).



Straight to the point: motif nak berhenti kerja. Harus berhenti kerana bidang ni tak menjamin saya ke mana-mana. Tapi, think about the unemployment situation now, kalau dapat kerja pun, harusla senang-senang boleh dapat jadi permanent. (Dilema wanita tak dewasa)

Kadang-kadang saya rasa hidup ni perlu lebih dewasa. Bukan saja dewasa dalam nak tentukan jalan hidup, tapi dewasa dalam erti kata menerima hakikat hidup ini sesuatu yang indah dan apa yang dicitakan mungkin hanyalah sesuatu yang tersekat di kerongkong. Atau mungkin perlu dewasa untuk rasionalkan segala jua ujian dan dugaan. For example; saya rasa tak rasional kenapa saya disaman oleh polis trafik untuk OPS sikap walhal sikap saya dijalan raya sangat cemerlang. Ternyata kedewasaan tidak membantu menrasionalkan saya dalam membayar saman tersebut.



Sekian.

Sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga

Salam.



Tough time. Sedang diuji. Mungkin, harus lebih bersabar, mesti terus memohon, pasti terus merintih. Semangat di tempat kerja dah setipis kulit bawang, rasa macam zombie. Atau lebih tepat, bersikap seperti zombi. Tak ingin tahu ape yang berlaku, tak mahu ambik kisah, tak hendak peduli. Terpinggir, tersingkir, melukut di tepian gantang. Nampaknya jodoh dengan astro bakal berakhir. Haish.



Sentiasa diuji, kerap diuji. Tapi saya bukan bahan ujian. Sebagai hamba, hanya mampu berserah. Hidup macam roda, kadang di atas, kadang di bawah. Langit tak selalu cerah, hujan tak mesti lebat, pelangi tak terus kekal. Tapi saya suka tengok pelangi, bukan sebab ia cantik, sekadar kagum dengan kebesaranNya. Sedetik lupa dengan masalah, sejenak fikiran rasa ringan. Hanya mengagumi keindahan. Sejalur warna-warni yang memberi segaris ketenangan. Kemudian, saya akan jadi sedikit rasional dalam meniti kewajaran membuat keputusan.



Ok. Petang-petang yang sangat entah (tak dapat describe, i.e. kurang bertuah, bukan malang sangat, etc), saya rasa nak tengok pelangi. And rasa homesick.

Career expectation

Define the tittle. Essay gaya bebas.

What does a career means to you?
-something i do to earn something

What to expect from your career?
-high salary, job promotion

How does this affect your life?
-No job, no salary, no jolly

How you see yourself in next 5 years?
-resigned and find other job & resigned and find other job & resigned. Again & again.

What really is your career?
-i am a kuli-cutive


I have no vision and mission for now. Need to find one. URGENTLY!!!

Bila hati tak lagi dengan mu...

Salam.


January. And I hate it. No, not really hate. Just dont like it. A dislike.


Because i hate when nothing follow my expectation. I live to follow rules, schedules, principles, laws and what so called planned. When it turns out to be different, I distaste it. I do not favor this months of January. (well I guess, I dont really like any months, except July).


So freaky heatic January. Early payday which equal to early overbudget. Overload of work which equal to overstressed at office. Overweight which equal to super low self-esteem. (STRESS!!!)
Why January must be early?


It really vanish the best part of 2012-my early retirement (haha). Correction, my resignation. Yeah, soon. In April I hope. I hope I got the guts to leave. Lots of things need to be settle (keje pun tak cari lagi). Looking for the bonuses review, waiting for claimS to be approved. Too much to things need to be consider.

Tapi, kalau dah hati kata nak berhenti, takkan jasad masih bertahan? Bila jiwa bergolak, takkan raga masih tak terkuit? (motif???).


Visi: expect the unexpected. Sedang berperang dengan perasaan yang tegang dan terganggu bila banyak kerja yang perlu diselesaikan, tapi mata boleh selamba buat2 terlelap. Haish, kalau tak kerana bonus.....dah lama I buat2 tahu dengan sume nih.